Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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