I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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