She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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