I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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