Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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