I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
