Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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