plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
