I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
time to smoke my breakfast
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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