i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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