Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
