do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
