Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
this is an emotional support booty call
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