I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
