between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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