You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
