The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
