It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
