when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
If that was your dad, he is hot
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
