Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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