I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
