So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
