so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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