Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
