I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
