When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
