K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
