new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
