fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
