guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
