well you can't waste a boner
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
