Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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