I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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