we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I smell like Dick and happiness
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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