You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
