Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Too much gin, very little bucket
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
