My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
