peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
