I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
