I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
