I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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