This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
