Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
