Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
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