i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
