you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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