Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
don't judge my taste in strippers
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
