I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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