I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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