Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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