The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
