i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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