I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
