My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
