I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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