my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
